Self-esteem
Posted by binkbeck | Filed under Omphalokepsis
I think, in the grand scheme of things, my self-esteem is pretty average. I know it doesn’t seem that way, in terms of what I blog. I talk a lot about insecurities and anxieties. The act of blogging helps me put these in perspective. One could argue that by stating what my insecurities are in a more or less public forum, I am battling them, exposing them to light so that maybe they will evaporate. Hope springs eternal.
In this past year, I’ve had cause to really look at who I am, who I want to be. I feel more myself than I ever have in my life. I’ve never weighed more than I do now, and the signs of aging are marching across my face, and yet I’ve never felt better in my skin before. The theme of this blog is Be the Change - be the change you want to see in the world. It is my favorite quote by Ghandi, and I’ve really taken it to heart. It is kind of like the Christian idea of the Kingdom of God. I was taught that the Kingdom of God is now - this is it. It isn’t some heaven to be awarded after death. That when you do something for someone else, you are doing it to/for Christ. It’s a very motivating concept, despite that I am no longer Christian. Be the Change seems a more secular way of expressing that. I want the world to be accepting of differences - therefore I struggle to accept differences. It’s not always easy, especially with my extended family. They do not accept me. Oh, they accept the help I offer when my grandmother or younger aunt are in trouble, but I’m the freak. I try not to be the black sheep - I prefer brighter colors.
One of the things I’ve learned about myself is that I hang my self-esteem and self-worth on a few factors.
- I know that I am intelligent. I know that there are other people who are smarter than I am, and I’ve done some really bone-headed things in the past. But I think that I am smarter than most - say 60th or 70th percentile. Scouser is smarter than I am, so is Engineer. I like surrounding myself with people who I perceive as smarter than me. I feel challenged to hold my own. I like that challenge. When they prove that they are smarter than I am, I don’t feel stupid by any means - just that there is more work to do. I do not have a college degree, despite my six years spent there. At the same time, while I don’t have the degree or recognition, I do feel that my education was valuable. I still apply it to my life in ways that I think not many people get a chance to do. I find intelligence attractive, moreso than physical features. I can be a bit snobbish on this point, I try not to be.
- I know that I have a need to be interesting. My grandmother used to tell me that bored people are boring and interested people are interesting - therefore you should develop your interests. She told me this when I asked her why she was going to college when my youngest uncle left the house. She took up painting, sculpting, photography and golf. These were interests she had, that she didn’t have time for when she was raising her children. The interests that I have are genuine - I don’t have them to fit trends or fads. They are also very wide in scope. My interests include quantum physics, steampunk, homesteading, theology, jewelry making, fiction, writing, politics, art, aesthetics, poetry, Classic literature, science fiction, the list goes on. I am fortunate, in that, my lifestyle gives me the freedom to pursue my interests while I am still raising my children (granted, I didn’t have 7 of them like my Grandmother did). I do have concerns of boring someone. Its not a great concern, doesn’t rank the status of fear. I can’t claim to be “on the cutting edge” of anything that I am interested in… my pursuit is not competitive, and often, I find something after it’s been around for years. I don’t mind playing catch-up.
- For the above two reasons, I know that my sense of my own attractiveness comes from my brain. The brain is the largest sexual organ, and I know how to use it. This really came into play after I had the breast biopsy in 2001 and my cleavage was scarred. I used to have a glorious rack. Now, the twins are more fraternal rather than identical. There are times when I feel less than physically attractive - I think the worst was when my milk was coming in after I gave birth to each of the girls. At the same time, though, I’ve never really had a problem with my body image. It’s far far far from perfect, but I don’t feel it’s ever held me back. My attitude tends to be that if I am rejected because of my physical externals, that person rejecting me wasn’t really interested in ME in the first place. In other words, that person is shallow. I chose not to be so shallow. Martin Luther King, Jr.’s words strike a chord with me: “I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.” For me, this goes beyond the color of a person’s skin.
- I know that I am a good mother. I’m not perfect, and I have bad days, but I think, overall, I make good decisions regarding my part in raising the girls. I rejected early and often the mainstream ideas that foster over-parenting. From the beginning, I wanted each of my girls to strive for independence from us, their parents. I don’t particularly need to be liked by my children, that is not my job. I love them more than anything in the world, more than I thought myself capable, and I trust that that will make itself evident to them over time - that they will be able to look back and say that there were times that they hated me, but they always knew I loved them.
- I know that I am a good person. I know that, generally speaking, my motives and intentions are good. I am not vindictive or spiteful. I’d rather walk away from a situation before those sorts of things take over. I know that I have a lot to offer to family, friends, lovers.
- I do not trust mainstream standards. I don’t think that I am better, that is just not the direction I want to go, it’s not the direction that suits me. I really couldn’t care less about celebrity scandals, fashion trends, what the best sellers are. So often, when I am looking for something, it is so far off the beaten track it is difficult to pin down, and I have to get creative to reach my goal. For things like clothing, I end up making it myself because it simply is not available for sale. About a month ago, I dyed my hair a gloriously rich shade of green. It had unexpected results in terms of people’s reactions to it when I am out and about. The unexpected part was that they were so positive. I find people look me in the eye more, they are more courteous to me, they are more likely to talk to me. I homeschool my children. I am sure there are schools out there that match/surpass the kind of education I received. I also know that we couldn’t afford those schools. So, I do it myself.
I am fully aware that my construction of my self worth is in direct reaction to my mother. She sees me as her polar opposite, and in many outward ways, I am. I have a lot more confidence in myself and my abilities. In that, I am more like my grandmother. But, being me, I had to take it a step further. My grandmother is as conventional as a person can get. She obeyed all the social rules, did everything that was expected of her. I don’t feel so beholden to people I don’t know.
Tags: Engineer, intelligence, motherhood, Scouser, self-esteem
